The BRITs: Who Should & Who Will Win Each Award

The kooky, ugly little sister of The Grammy’s rears it’s annual, non-consequential head once again this evening. So, in the holy name of polka dot awards and Madonna falling flat on her arse, I have decided to go through each award, pick a deserving winner, and more than likely get every single one wrong.

You hear that BRITs? Some dick on the Internet thinks you’re wrong.

 

BRITISH MALE SOLO ARTIST

Nominated: Aphex Twin, Calvin Harris, James Bay, Jamie xx, Mark Ronson

First up, what a dreary fucking list this is. Has Calvin Harris done absolutely anything apart from that crap How Deep Is Your Love song, that is already more dated than the Bee Gees song with the same name? Mark Ronson has that sort of “I know I’m average but don’t tell anybody” vibe going on, too.

Only real one contender for this:

WHO SHOULD WIN

Jamie xx

WHO WILL WIN

Mark Ronson (Uptown Fuck Off)

 

BRITISH FEMALE SOLO ARTIST

Nominated: Adele, Amy Winehouse, Florence + The Machine, Jess Glynne, Laura Marling

I’ve just read the nominations for this award for the first time, and genuinely let out a massive sigh. Amy Winehouse?! I can just about tolerate a force-fed posthumous award when somebody talented dies, but don’t do this. I like Florence but How Big,How Blue,How Beautiful is the weaker of her albums out there. You try to remember what Glynne and Marling have done then you realise The Most Important Woman In Music is nominated so it doesn’t even matter.

WHO SHOULD WIN

Adele. Unfortunately.

WHO WILL WIN

Adele. Even more unfortunately.

 

BRITISH GROUP

Nominated: Blur, Coldplay, One Direction, Years & Years

Four nominees?! Did the people who put these awards together get as far as One Direction, play with their genitals a few times, then put in the bands that the splurge most closely resembled in terms of name? This is just embarrassing for everybody, for God sake.

WHO SHOULD WIN

Blur (for past Gorillaz triumphs only)

WHO WILL WIN

One Direction. Why are you even asking?

 

BRITISH PRODUCER OF THE YEAR

Nominated: Charlie Andrew, Mark Ronson, Mike Crossey, Tom Dalgety

For most people (including myself, I might add) who don’t know anybody on this list apart from Mark Ronson, here’s what they have done in the past:

Charlie Andrew – Mercury Award winning producer, been involved with two Alt-J albums, including the brilliant This Is All Yours

Mike Crossey – Produced first two Arctic Monkeys albums. Also been involved with The 1975, The Black Keys, Wolf Alice and Foals. Busy bloke.

Tom Dalgety – Most famous band he has worked with is probably The Maccabees, though I’ve heard of Band of Skulls, who he’s also credited as working with

Mark Ronson – I SAY UPTOWN FUNK YU UP, UPTOWN FUNK YU UP

WHO SHOULD WIN

Mike Crossey

WHO WILL WIN

Mark Ronson

 

BRITISH SINGLE

Nominations: Adele – “Hello”, Calvin Harris & Disciples, “How Deep Is Your Love”, Ed Sheeran & Rudimental – “Bloodstream”, Ellie Goulding – “Love Me Like You Do”, James Bay – “Hold Back The River”, Jess Glynne – “Hold My Hand”, Little Mix – “Black Magic”, Olly Murs ft. Demi Lovato – “Up”, Philip George – “Wish You Were Mine”, Years & Years – “King”

 

SO MANY NOMINATIONS. WHY.

I take issue with a couple of them straight off the bat. That Olly Murs song came out about 3 years ago I’m fairly certain, so that doesn’t count. 50 Shades of Grey is one of the worst movies this millennia (and the Goulding song isn’t even in the film!) so Smelly Moulding (only joking Ellie love you xoxo) can’t win. We’ve already discussed how crap the Calvin Harris effort is. Rudimental’s album had about four better songs than the Ed Sheeran one so we can scratch that off.

That brings us down to six-oh? What’s that? Adele’s nominated? Why am I even bothering?

WHO SHOULD WIN

James Bay – “Hold Back The River”

WHO WILL WIN

Adele – “Hello”

 

MASTERCARD BRITISH ALBUM OF THE YEAR

Nominated: Adele – “25”, Coldplay – “A Head Full of Dreams”, Florence + The Machine – “How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful”, James Bay – “Chaos and the Calm”, Jamie xx – “In Colour”

Ha! I’ve got you now Adele, because I listened to your album, twice, in full and everything and it was rubbish!

Genuinely, it was. Hello is decent but that’s it, and Send My Love (To Your New Lover) was one of the worst songs I heard last year.

So there’s absolutely no way you can win thi-

Ah. She sold 15 million copies. Fuck.

WHO SHOULD WIN

Jamie xx – “In Colour”

WHO WILL WIN

Adele – “25”

 

BRITISH ARTIST VIDEO

Nominated: Adele – “Hello”, Calvin Harris & Disciples – “How Deep Is Your Love”, Ed Sheeran – “Photograph”, Ellie Goulding – “Love Me Like You Do”, Jessie J – “Flashlight”, Little Mix – “Black Magic”, Naughty Boy Ft. Beyonce & Arrow Benjamin – “Runnin’ (Lose It All), One Direction – “Drag Me Down”, Sam Smith – “Writings On The Wall”, Years & Years – “King”

Sorry Queen Adele, nobody but Under 16s and weirdos likes music videos anymore. And guess who’s fanbase has plenty of both for a publically voted award?

WHO SHOULD WIN

I dunno. Who even cares?

WHO WILL WIN

One Direction – “Drag Me Down”

 

BRITISH BREAKTHROUGH ACT

Nominated: Catfish & The Bottlemen, James Bay, Jess Glynne, Wolf Alice, Years & Years

Am I going to award this to somebody based on the fact I’ve only heard one of their songs and it’s really, really good? Why yes, I think I am. Plus, Annie Mac likes them, and I would trust Annie Mac with my life.

WHO SHOULD WIN

Wolf Alice

WHO WILL WIN

Jess Glynne

 

INTERNATIONAL MALE SOLO ARTIST

Nominated: Drake, Father John Misty, Justin Bieber, Kendrick Lamar, The Weeknd

Probably the most credible list of nominees in any award for this years BRITs, this is genuinely tough. But seeing as The 2nd Most Important Woman In Music can’t steal this award away from it’s rightful owner, hopefully whoever decides this looks past what has been successful personal years for a couple of people on this list, and gives it to the best musical performer over the last 12 months.

WHO SHOULD WIN

Kendrick Lamar

WHO WILL WIN

Justin Bieber

 

INTERNATIONAL FEMALE SOLO ARTIST

Nominated: Ariana Grande, Bjork, Courtney Barnett, Lana Del Rey, Meghan Trainor

Much as I’d like her to, I don’t think Bjork can this award, and I don’t really think she should. Lana Del Rey has kind of done what Florence has and released another decent album but it isn’t up to previous standards. Ariana Grande is at best meh, and at worst things like FOKKUSONMEH can happen.

Meghan Trainor is a cockroach and if she never made another piece of music she’d have already done irreparable damage to my wellbeing.

Courtney Barnett’s album, however, is really really good. But I wanted Grimes on this list so I am sad.

WHO SHOULD WIN

Courtney Barnett

WHO WILL WIN

Meghan Trainor, against medical advice

 

INTERNATIONAL GROUP

Nominated: Alabama Shakes, Eagles of Death Metal, Major Lazer, Tame Impala, U2

Does anybody listen to U2 anymore? Like, anybody? Did they make music last year? I don’t know and can’t even be arsed to Google it and find out.

This one is actually tough as Tame Impala and Alabama Shakes both made very good albums last year that I would implore you to listen to. However, we all know where this award is heading

WHO SHOULD WIN

Alabama Shakes

WHO WILL WIN

Eagles of Death Metal

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